Sleepy. I took steps to get in contact with my ol’ director of my program so she can help me with my portfolio. In the meantime, juggling a few jobs and classes isn’t fun. It’s not like the jobs are hard; the most intense one is probably my internship, with the other jobs being paid time to do homework.

The main issue is just the lack of time to actually decompress, rest, and socialize. Oftentimes I find myself really tired. Something I’ve noticed (for years now) is that I lack a lot of energy compared to my peers, and unfortunately caffeine makes me sleepy. So I can only rely on food, sleep, and exercise. Haven’t been doing great in any of those categories. I feel guilty eating. ._. Anyways. On the plus side, my apartment has free lattes and cocoa, which tastes nice. And the club room is surprisingly empty most of the time, so I’m comfy working in there.

I am ready for the heat to die down. We had one morning where it was actually a bit cool right at sunrise and it made me emotional.

My job has been difficult, but my search for something different in my very niche field yielded no results. Far fewer jobs out there than I remember seeing even just last year. There are budget cuts where I work on the horizon where they are only filling critical positions and just letting multiple positions remain vacant. It looks like I’ll doing the work of two people for the foreseeable future.

I’ve hit the point that I really hate September. We’re playing this fun game of it being hotter than July yet again. It can get up to 115F in my van, which a tiny fan doesn’t do much about outside of moving hot air around. We’re at least supposed to go down by 15F tomorrow, so just one more day of trying not to die.

It certainly doesn’t help that my ex always chooses September to return to my life and that my dad’s move into a new facility hit significant roadblocks in the form of an insect infestation in his old place, leading them to ban him from bringing any clothes (they bought him a fresh set for yesterday, but that’s a Band-Aid).

Positive: I’m doing alright! I’ve been streaming for a while now, and I’m having a fun time. We had a bit of a heatwave, but things are cooling off, and the fall weather is rolling in. I’m hoping for a long fall so I can get lots of walking in.

Negative: I think I am dealing with burnout? Not sure if it’s burnout, though. Feels like if I have 1 day off, a weekend, a whole week, I still feel tired/bad. Had my bloodwork done a while ago, and it was all good. So, I don’t think it’s body related (aside from bedtime procrastination).

Eh. So so. Looking for a job, like always - I’ve been doing so for the past year and a half or more, but the job market is rough. My parents took me in, though, and they’re keeping a roof over my head and keeping me comfortable while i’m getting back on my feet. I’m honestly really thankful I have what I have - if it wasn’t for their help, I’d be /much/ worse off.

I got accepted for a new job shortly after interviewing which was great but I still haven’t been able to start. It turns out that the finance department of where I want to be doesn’t have the funds approved for my salary. I’ve spoken with various people there where they’ve confirmed that they’re desperate for me to start ASAP and they are pestering the finance team to just release the fucking funds already but it makes me feel constantly on edge, like somehow the whole process was a lie and there is no job (which is ridiculous and untrue). I just want to be able to start so I can tell my current boss to fuck off.

I find myself listening to Fantasia on Greensleeves on repeat. Vaughn Williams isn’t terrible.

Not great. My job is ending in ~10 weeks. Academic. My market is saturated and some. The amount of rejection letters for applications rivals the post 2008 world. Tried everything. Trying to continue my work, seek funding, but I don’t do grants and schmoozing for money well. I’m starting to wonder if I’m aging out or just so far down the pecking order that the surge of new and fleeing academics is making it impossible to continue. Lots of doubt. I get so much joy from my classroom, my students. And I may not get to do that again. Its terrifying and is shaping my day, overwhelming the good that is there.

So I’m scared, doubtful, and its compounding.

Finally got to watch Purdue win a football game again, the marching band was still the highlight though.

Little sister-in-law is doing well at Purdue.

Put new pedals on my bike to go with new cleats and shoes and immediately knocked my ankle open when I screwed up clipping in. 4 times. Aside from that I really like the new cleats, pedals, and shoes. Super solid attachment while still being reasonably easy to unclip, just need to retrain muscle memory for clipping in since trying to do that quickly results in injury apparently.

Also got to spend some time visiting a great aunt-in-law with the family which was good, wife and sister-in-law showed her pictures from a bunch of events that unfortunately her health prevents her from going to anymore. It was a really good visit.