I know this is more fitted for the mental health community on lemmy.world, but that community feels like shouting in the void. I want to have a more “normal” talk about like life, death, purpose, and stuff. How do y’all not just get consumed by how you will be gone one day, how one day no one in the world will even remember you. Most of us aren’t even gonna have a wikipedia page, not even gonna make it into one single news article (obituaries don’t count). I’m just so sad. What’s the point. What keeps you going?
Edit: I live in the USA btw, I’m around age 18-25. I was diagnosed with depression last year and I took some antidepressants for some time, but I’ve since stopped taking them for a while.
Um… so I was taking Lexapro (brand for Escitalopram) and sometimes I get really depressed and I um… I take more than needed. Sometimes I would be like 10 days into a 30 day supply and I have an existential crisis. I feel like crying especially when I see how many people around the world is suffering. I just can’t hold in the tears. Like stories about how people can’t afford basic things, food, shelter, diabetics can’t afford insulin. Stories about people suddenly find themselves in a warzone for no fucking reason (Russian Invasion of Ukraine). Inflation and the wages doesn’t even keep up. I’m just so sad for humanity. So much great potential. People are so evil towards each other. There’s so much hatred in my coutry. I mean wtf is this. I mean, florida is what I fear would happen to us. We’ve seen what happened in Weimar Republic. Thoughts like this horrify me. I am in no position of power to do anything. I don’t even have the energy to do anything. I just take all of the rest of the entire bottle of antidepressants, all at once. I kinda felt calm for some time, but after those chemicals leave my body, those thoughts came back again. I can’t even use antidepressants properly, I have no self control, and I often take more than I’m supposed to. Which mean I run out before the intended date, so then I have to explain to my doctor what I did, and I think after like 2 times of this happening, my doctor didn’t trust me anymore with my misusing of antidepressants and told me to see a specialist (my doctor is a General Practitioner). I kinda just didn’t feel like seeking help anymore, almost felt like being told “you’re too fucked up for me to help you, fuck off and go bother someone else”. I haven’t seen a health professional for like months.
i’m surprised you even got anything out of taking so many at a time, by nature they’re a chemical that needs to build up and has a gradual effect on your body. that temporary feeling of relief could have even been placebo. regardless, i say this so you understand that fundamentally goes against how they’re supposed to work. ideally, you would have just had your dose raised, because the one you had was clearly not strong enough for you. but that ship seems to have sailed, not much we can do now
anyways… you have a soft heart, and that’s not a bad thing. but you need to be responsible with it. think of your heart like a creature that needs good nourishment; reading stories of sadness and despair are bad nourishment. you need good nourishment, stories that bring you hope and joy, to flourish. so get off of social media, regulate your intake. read happy stories on webtoons or fantasy books or something. even the most mentally resilient people aren’t equipped for the flood of bad news that comes in from every corner of the world, so don’t feel ashamed of it. it’s taking care of yourself. you’re not doing anyone any good by reading about sad things you can’t change, you’re just making it so the sad things are making the world even more sad
the other thing to understand is, that lack of control over your meds, that’s actually a lack of ability to tolerate your own emotions. you read something, you feel sad, and you can’t tolerate that feeling, so you overdose on your meds to try and cope. again, not something to be ashamed of, but it’s important to recognize. it’s also important to recognize that tolerating your feelings is a skill, and it’s a skill you can build. it takes dedicated time and effort, but it can be done with the things i mentioned in my original post - breathing exercises and meditation
it sounds like you’ve lived a hard life, as well, and if you can find a therapist, i think that would be good for you, to help talk these things out and recognize that the feelings they evoke are not permanent and that you will survive the pain they bring. i’d recommend you find a trauma informed therapist, if you can.
so, for a list for you:
take these up for the next six months. if you’re a little more stable, you can reach out to your doctor and explain the steps you’ve taken to improve your life and see if they’re willing to take you back. or you can just find a different doctor, but i think it would be good to practice these things at least a little bit first, so you don’t need to worry about abusing your pills again
sorry if i’m a little terse here, i did my best, but i’m super tired and sore from doing yoga, something i’m doing for myself to help with similar problems. if you have any questions, please ask them and i’ll reply to you again tomorrow after i’ve rested