self-explanatory!!
The ability to stop pooping for three days.
Each day you don’t poop, you lay an egg that hatches into a random monster. The egg is indestructible.
You have to post about it online and keep the community updated on your progress, becoming the first widespread Lemmy meme
You already can – immodium
Or just some painkillers. I had surgery seven or eight years ago and I still remember how badly I wanted to shit by day three and it just wasn’t happening.
But when you eventually poop your in the middle of human a human centipede
The ability to talk to animals
Your already can talk to animals. We all understand you.
But only about collecting stamps.
You can talk to animals now. I think what you mean is you want them to be able to talk too.
You can talk to animals, but it includes insects and birds… and you can’t shut their conversion out for some peace and quiet
Imagine going outside during spring. All animals are just yelling “I’M SO FUCKING HORNY!”.
you can talk to animals, but they don’t want to (they are very prejudiced)
You can talk to them but they can’t understand you.
This is just reality
Everytime you talk to an animal, every moving living being around you looks like the animal you talked to for the next 2 hours.
The ability to touch a book to instantly know its content.
Turns out, the books you touch are actually quite satisfied and content.
It only works if you touch it with your penis.
There are no downsides. Perfect.
The title of the book appears somewhere on your skin, and if removed you will forget any knowledge from that book, whether you obtained it through reading or your power. The titles must be legible, and cannot overlap.
but you must feel a paper cut from every single page of knowledge
Better print smaller then!
ooh, good thought! guess you could upload books and print them in nano-sized font
Every book you encounter will always be written in a language you don’t speak.
… but every page becomes blank just before you touch it.
Clear anyone of debt just by thinking it.
Their debt transfers to you.
And then to you…
And then to an orphan somewhere. You monster.
The debt alwaye gets randomly assigned to another person
OOF.
Carefully used this could still be worth it.
removal of debt happens by way of destruction of banking infrastructure. this may or may not be related to other harm
– this is actually how quite a lot of people got debts cleared on 9/11 (this was before offsite backups)
Stopping time
but for everyone, including yourself.
Fuck
Oh no, you’ve doomed us all.
But unfortunately you can’t start it again.
gg
It restarts at random.
You stop time for yourself too.
RIP
Time stops for everything that isn’t you, including air. You leave a vacuum everywhere you go and can never stay anywhere for long.
I can summon food by saying its name.
You consume the calories of every food by just naming it.
Top life hacks to never starve.
Finally, a solution to stop poop for 3 days.
But the delivery guy still wants money for the food you ordered.
You take it from the hungriest person about to eat it, assuming there is someone at the time. You cannot turn this ability off, and it happens even when you aren’t referring to the food. I hope those birthday cakes taste good, you monster.
Teleportation by thinking of a place
It will only teleport your body, not your clothes
Thats a obvious oversight by me. Worth a try still.
Plus, I can go anywhere instantly as long as I’m in private.
I think you win. Easiest side effect to deal with. You could have go bags all over the world.
Jokes on you, I don’t wear clothes.
Thinking includes dreams and nightmares. You wake up in interesting places.
Does not teleport your cloths.
Hm, I’d still take it
Ehh. Just look up pictures of nude beaches or something.
You are unable to control the ability and will teleport even when you are just be reminded of a place.
this includes extraterrestrial and fictional places
The first time you go to a church and actually understand what they’re saying as a child, you go to hell
You don’t teleport to the place you’re thinking of.
That place is the time you walked in on your parents having sex.
You will arrive naked only - with an urgent need to vomit.
As you get older you keep thinking back to places that no longer exist.
The ability to read, write, and speak every language
You become deaf and blind
God damn it
It would be less efficient, but people who are deaf-blind can access the Internet and communicate using a refreshable Braille display. In-person they can communicate using an interpreter using a special sign language.
granted. you can understand everything, but when you respond, you choose wrong (related, but not mutually intelligible) language every time
I can reverse any moderator actions.
You’re an admin on reddit
Who modded a banned subreddit back in the days…
I can obtain any super power just by thinking about it.
The ability to think is lost
Damn. So, does that mean I just die?
When you have obtained your superpower, you lose your ability to obtain any new superpowers.
.
I’m happy
But you can poop only once every 3 days.
That’s my normal, so what’s the problem?
You die immediately after this
But only until you sober up.
Ok that was dark.
An annoying happy-go-lucky theme song plays for all to hear around you.
… despite having nightmarish diarrhea every hour, on the hour.
ability to instantly know exact composition of a substance just by looking at it
deleted by creator
Or spelled out by Robert Loggia
Impervious to side effects.
But your side effect is infinite power.
DRAT
Power to turn things into gold by touch.
Including your own body parts
Gold member!
The ability to find anything lost.
Everything you touch turns into a potato
What if the world turned into a potato ? The potatocalypse
read this with the kurzgesagt voice
